Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Goodbye Blog

As with all good things, this blog must come to an end.

I already have a new one, more about yoga and less about sex.

Here is my goodbye letter to my blog.

Dear Trollop Cupcake blog,

When we first met, I was in a dating tizzy- what fun it was to share these experiences with you, tell you my secrets, basically let it all hang out. Although my 'dating life' is somewhat dramatic still, it has consistently been dramatic with only one person- and telling that story time and time again is boring. I did not totally leave you out of that story though, you were with me in the initial stages of it and the first few crazy town times and I thank you. You were also there with me when I decided to leave my job and I thank you for that.

But, it is time to move on. The other blog I have been cheating on you with is just as honest and telling as you are but less pornographic. This is not to say that I am any less pornographic- just that I want to go a different direction in my blogging.

I still partake in all the things I was doing before you, during you and now after you. I am still the same person, same likes, dislikes, loves, etc... But, I need to be able to actually show people who I am with the new blog- and I just can't have 3some pictures associated with my face and name, not right now anyways.

I thank you for always being there for me and letting me vent.

I named you after my twitter handle which I have changed to something a little less slutty. I am sure, I will change that again, after all, change is good, right.

Take care my blog, may you have many more readers while you are hanging out there in the ether. As of today you have had 12,000 visits to your beautiful pages.

The ex TrollopCupcake

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Love all of thy self.

I stared at myself in the mirror, gazing upon myself then back at him then back to myself. My hair was perfect. I have always enjoyed looking at someone while they were screwing me, but this time I found myself  watching me. Really watching me. I don't have a perfect body but I sure have some nice tits.

I find it sometimes a challenge to be in a relationship with someone who has a near perfect body- years of  yoga practice have sculpted his body into a tight angelic form. I feel a little overly fluffy when we are naked. But, he adores me, each part of me. Still, I get a little self (or did) conscious.

When I first decided to date this man, I never really thought of the complexity of the situation. One might say the situation that we found our selves in may have been a little unethical. He is the teacher and I am the student. 

We had been friends for a while, had lots in common, and he had thought I was a lesbian (more of this story another time). And when things progressed into sex, I was so into what was going on, I really didn't think about body fat or how I looked- it was primal, we had (and do) have primal sex. Nothing really matters when we were fucking, I barely remembered my name and I sure as hell forgot that there might be neighbors that could hear me. On our recent camping trip, I was scolded one morning by my friend's mother (of all people) and she said, "I swear if you guys were going to go one more time, I was going to get up and flip your tent'. It was funny but it also reminded me of how loud I could get. I can't help it.

He has seen me at my worst and usually always (before we dated) sweaty, hair plastered to my face, out of breath, upside down in a supported headstand or plow pose, shirt flopping over my face and belly fat exposed. And not until we started dating had he ever seen me out of my yoga pants and in real pants and a little make up. SHOCKER!

It was a mixture of things that attracted him to me but because I do not have the perfect yogini young hard body, I never thought my physical appearance was that much into play. Don't get me wrong, I think I am attractive, I do not think I am ugly- but the perfect body thing has eluded me all my life. I am bigger than many women that practice yoga as much as I do. I look more like I do MMA or kickboxing rather than practice yoga, I am extremely muscular and I have been told I even walk with a little gangsta swagger. 

I just thought that because this dude was all 'yoga', he more so saw past my physical flaws and into my heart and that was what he was attracted to- because it sure as hell could not be my big ass, giant legs and broad shoulders. What I mean when I say all 'yoga' means all enlightened and shit, all past regular man shit- you know not that typical  neanderthal shit. 

I have never tried to fit into that 'yoga' mold. Not trying to wear all white, wrap my head in a scarf and try to levitate. Not trying to buy the latest yoga gear to look cool and have people ask me, 'where did you get that'. I don't give a fuck about that shit. Yoga is a huge part of my life, but it isn't the postures or the fitness benefits that consume me- it is the practice of being present in your mind, body and spirit- regardless of how much you spent on your yoga mat, regardless of where or what famous person you practiced with.

I have the side of my head shaved the other side is black and bright pink. I have tattoos. I have the body of a boxer. I drink tequila and smoke weed. I listen to rock and heavy metal and I am not, by any standard, even close to what a 'yogi' is supposed to be- but I have a great heart.


And as much as I pride myself on self love, saying 'I would marry me if I could', loving myself, loving all aspects of my personality- I never really loved all of myself, I never really 'LOVED' my body- until I surrendered to this relationship I am in, and saw that he did.

When we talk about the beginnings of our relationship and how inappropriate our relationship began, he told me, I love your body, strong legs and you have a beautiful ass. I said, 'what?'. He went on to tell me a story about how I left my mat to get a hair tie and how he loved to watch me walk away and he complimented me on being strong, saying, 'so much power'. I was floored. Then in true man fashion he said, ' I just wanted to fuck you'. 

What about enlightenment? What about peace, love and yoga?
I had been worried about the wrong things. I had been self conscious about not having the perfect yoga body when all along he was physically attracted to what wasn't the norm.

With his acceptance of me, in this way, I have learned to love all of myself. I have looked passed comparing my body, with my broad shoulders, my curves, my hips and big ass to the skinny yoginis I see practice besides me. I look and I laugh to myself as I am stronger and if needed to could whip some skinny yogini chicks ass!


Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Fast Forward to now.

I can't believe it has been 3 months since I have not set foot in an office. Well roughly 3 months. I cannot even believe I thought I was going to be bored! What was I thinking?

As I type this, just having come from outside laying in the sun with my dog, smell of sandalwood incense perfumes my house and I light this very large blunt.

I am happy.

I created this blog because I wanted to chronicle all the crazy romance and dating shit I was going though. I wanted a safe place to share my thoughts without judgement and make a few people laugh along the way. I have totally completed that.

I was in a bad place in my life before I quit my job. It was a difficult decision but in the end, I believe, the best decision I have ever made in my life. The organization I was with no longer met my personal needs. I had to go and I did. I have to watch my money very closely, I could not go on trips and buy things I wanted but, I am able to pay my bills and take care of my basics.

When I stopped working, I threw myself into my yoga practice. I have practiced yoga very inconstantly for 3ish years and since I was not working, I thought time to get into a regular practice. I also thought it time I try to love running. I ran when I was in high school, the 440 even and with age I just did not have that zest for running any more.

Fast forward to now.
I attend at least 10 practices every week.
I run every day.
I go to the gym every other day.

I lost the nagging 12 pounds that was attached to my ass from sitting on it all day at work.

I feel beast. I feel bad ass.

Today for yoga boot camp was: I can manifest my own destiny. Stolen from the pages of American History books. But put yourself in a hippie minds set and you know where I am getting at. I can make whatever I desire happen for me. This has been pretty true most of my life as I have always worked hard to get where I am and get what I want. No ego.

I used to dread going to this one instructors yoga class. OMG the sheer mention of his name sent shivers up my spine. He was just too bad ass, his classes were just super advanced, I wanted to be able to move my body after one of his classes not be comatose. Although, I had known him for 2 years, I had never taken his class because of this fear.
I had to get over my fear as my BFF said I had to come, get high and then take his hot yoga class- it was 'trans formative' she told me. So I did and 2 times a week, I took his hard ass class. Sweating my ass off, huffing and puffing, falling on the floor and just looking a fool.
I spent more time talking to that teacher whilst on the mat. Love, life, meditation, and yoga were our topics of choice- this progressed to smoking before class and a friendship began.

And as luck would have it.
I am dating my yoga teacher.

Funny how things can change from one season to the next.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Fuck this job!

I love my job!
I love the results of my work!

I cannot stand our agency and our leadership!
I do not love dealing with the douche bags at the top.

Our economy sucks ass but I don't care.


I will be taking about 4 months of living expenses out of my 401k and I will not be looking for a job for a while. I may travel a little bit- but my plan is to do things I did not do because I was tied to a desk for the past 10 years.

I think I will learn how to ride a bike, during the day in the middle of the week.
I will learn to play the guitar in the morning.
I will wake up late and not iron my clothes.

I will take a mother fucking break.

Monday, December 19, 2011

Monday, December 12, 2011

Tra la la la la...

Tis the season to be {fill in the black}, tra la la la la lalala.

Do I celebrate Christmas?
I sure the fuck do. I celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Birthdays, St. Patrick's day, your anniversary, red ribbon week, Cake Day, I fucking celebrate everything!! But what I do not do is celebrate Thanksgiving or celebrate these HOLYdays as they are intended. But neither do you.

I have to go to the mall today- because my little sister (the girl I mentor) wants to go shopping for a Christmas present for her mother. She is a Christian. I am not. We do not discuss religion or anything of that nature.

I understand what all the fuss is about, I really do. You get caught up in the moment and this is a special time of the year where you can show loved ones they are valued- by buying them that perfect gift. I send my family presents for their holiday, because I love them and they celebrate Christmas.

(after shopping with my little sister)
I believe I heard more arguments in the mall today that I heard Holiday cheer or laughter. I happened to hear a daughter tell her mother that she was spending too much money and 'they are not even going to play with it anyways so why are you buying it for them'  in the toy section of TJ MAX.

Tra la la la la...

In Bed Bath and Beyond, I heard two ladies discussing how whatever they were looking for was too hard to find and that they might as well 'give the fuck up'.

These are the happiest of times!

If you are so compelled to buy shit and basically throw your money away on useless crap- I offer you this suggestion.  DONATE MONEY TO A CHARITY ON THEIR BEHALF.

Sure still buy them that panty or wine of the month but if you want to go overboard... Give them a gift that really has value,

WWF is one of my favorites during the holidays.


Saturday, August 27, 2011

Detoxing and stuff

Little did I know that the yoga boot camp I signed up for was a yoga detox boot camp. I was expecting to fine tune some poses and maybe learn some new ones. But, what I got was this super intense yoga practice coupled with restriction of diet, meditation, and journaling. Today is my 13th day of the boot camp and yesterday I introducted Nauli 3 to my daily routine and a longer meditative practice at night. I take no caffeine, no processed foods, no sugar and no alcohol. I totes miss my caffeine and alcohol but the detox is only 21 days. I can do anything for just 21 days. In the past 13 days, at night, I have been shit dog tired and easily go to sleep.I do not think of any of the things and people that have been stressing me this month- I don't worry, I just go to sleep. And this is awesome.

I have been in and out of emo all summer. I was letting toxic people infiltrate my life, blind me with beer, weed, sex, and false promises. But, I had a great time chopping down trees when I was in Springfield, MA- so my summer was not a complete wash. 

This detox process has helped me open my eyes to see how poisonous some of the things I do are. (Other things aside from the recreational use of weed and X) 

I have also realized in 13 days that the way I cope with the issues I have in my life is by helping others. I am always throwing myself into volunteering, giving and caring for others - in an attempt to help them instead of deal with whatever issues I am having at that moment. I suppose that is how I run away. I run into helping people. This made me think even more- maybe my altruistic tendencies are really just selfish. 
It isn't a negative realization, just a realization. I do firmly believe that it is better to give than to receive.

I will continue some more self introspection as I go into the third phase of my yoga detox.

I still suck at chatarunga and my side crow looks like shit- but I keep practicing.

Tomorrow I begin a 48 hour fast. Yippie.