Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Love all of thy self.

I stared at myself in the mirror, gazing upon myself then back at him then back to myself. My hair was perfect. I have always enjoyed looking at someone while they were screwing me, but this time I found myself  watching me. Really watching me. I don't have a perfect body but I sure have some nice tits.

I find it sometimes a challenge to be in a relationship with someone who has a near perfect body- years of  yoga practice have sculpted his body into a tight angelic form. I feel a little overly fluffy when we are naked. But, he adores me, each part of me. Still, I get a little self (or did) conscious.

When I first decided to date this man, I never really thought of the complexity of the situation. One might say the situation that we found our selves in may have been a little unethical. He is the teacher and I am the student. 

We had been friends for a while, had lots in common, and he had thought I was a lesbian (more of this story another time). And when things progressed into sex, I was so into what was going on, I really didn't think about body fat or how I looked- it was primal, we had (and do) have primal sex. Nothing really matters when we were fucking, I barely remembered my name and I sure as hell forgot that there might be neighbors that could hear me. On our recent camping trip, I was scolded one morning by my friend's mother (of all people) and she said, "I swear if you guys were going to go one more time, I was going to get up and flip your tent'. It was funny but it also reminded me of how loud I could get. I can't help it.

He has seen me at my worst and usually always (before we dated) sweaty, hair plastered to my face, out of breath, upside down in a supported headstand or plow pose, shirt flopping over my face and belly fat exposed. And not until we started dating had he ever seen me out of my yoga pants and in real pants and a little make up. SHOCKER!

It was a mixture of things that attracted him to me but because I do not have the perfect yogini young hard body, I never thought my physical appearance was that much into play. Don't get me wrong, I think I am attractive, I do not think I am ugly- but the perfect body thing has eluded me all my life. I am bigger than many women that practice yoga as much as I do. I look more like I do MMA or kickboxing rather than practice yoga, I am extremely muscular and I have been told I even walk with a little gangsta swagger. 

I just thought that because this dude was all 'yoga', he more so saw past my physical flaws and into my heart and that was what he was attracted to- because it sure as hell could not be my big ass, giant legs and broad shoulders. What I mean when I say all 'yoga' means all enlightened and shit, all past regular man shit- you know not that typical  neanderthal shit. 

I have never tried to fit into that 'yoga' mold. Not trying to wear all white, wrap my head in a scarf and try to levitate. Not trying to buy the latest yoga gear to look cool and have people ask me, 'where did you get that'. I don't give a fuck about that shit. Yoga is a huge part of my life, but it isn't the postures or the fitness benefits that consume me- it is the practice of being present in your mind, body and spirit- regardless of how much you spent on your yoga mat, regardless of where or what famous person you practiced with.

I have the side of my head shaved the other side is black and bright pink. I have tattoos. I have the body of a boxer. I drink tequila and smoke weed. I listen to rock and heavy metal and I am not, by any standard, even close to what a 'yogi' is supposed to be- but I have a great heart.


And as much as I pride myself on self love, saying 'I would marry me if I could', loving myself, loving all aspects of my personality- I never really loved all of myself, I never really 'LOVED' my body- until I surrendered to this relationship I am in, and saw that he did.

When we talk about the beginnings of our relationship and how inappropriate our relationship began, he told me, I love your body, strong legs and you have a beautiful ass. I said, 'what?'. He went on to tell me a story about how I left my mat to get a hair tie and how he loved to watch me walk away and he complimented me on being strong, saying, 'so much power'. I was floored. Then in true man fashion he said, ' I just wanted to fuck you'. 

What about enlightenment? What about peace, love and yoga?
I had been worried about the wrong things. I had been self conscious about not having the perfect yoga body when all along he was physically attracted to what wasn't the norm.

With his acceptance of me, in this way, I have learned to love all of myself. I have looked passed comparing my body, with my broad shoulders, my curves, my hips and big ass to the skinny yoginis I see practice besides me. I look and I laugh to myself as I am stronger and if needed to could whip some skinny yogini chicks ass!



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