Thursday, February 24, 2011

Is twitter the new singles bar or Have you ever seen my DM box?

I am a prolific tweeter and have been for a few years. I enjoy micro blogging just like I enjoy talking about myself. I tweet about complete randomness and Patron. Are my tweets overly sexual? I don't think so- but I often get @replies that take me there. I tweet about life, love and the pursuit of whatever my obsession happens to be at that moment- shoes, star wars legos, sex, drugs, music, rift, etsy.

There is something completely liberating about twitter- maybe it is the anonymity of the entire thing. Twitter is like a unmoderated chatroom in flux- you never know who is chatting, people come and they go, and basically you can say whatever the fuck you want. I like that. I may show my face and give some 'real life' details about my occupation, location, etc... but the people who follow me, don't really know me. Unless of course they are my friends outside of my tweet box. I have a handful of 'real' friends who are in my tweet stream and most are not shocked at the things I say.

In 'public' tweets- much of what goes on in my stream is silly, chatty, catty, and well I admit it- down right retarded.  But... my DM box is where the party is!!!

I get a breadth of DMs- from just private chatter with the girls/guys, sexual DMs, someone needing someone to talk to or a shoulder to cry on, someone seeking advice,  people asking questions, but I would say that the vast majority of DMs are flirty! Women, men, inanimate objects seeking a more intimate connection via direct messages. I do not always reply- especially if you are throwing that creepy sleazy vibe. I do not always flirt back in fact. I have been told that I was not a very good flirt. PSHAW!

Is twitter the new singles bar?
See a pretty avatar and some interesting tweets and then make your way over to their part of the twitter stream? Send them some @replies first to test the waters and then BAM she/he follows you back. Oh it is on and cracking now! But what do you say?

For a trollop and a 'modern' and 'independent' woman- I am very traditional! Traditional in the sense that I prefer the flirter to make any and all first moves! I am basically talking about non twitter flirting here but I think the same rule applies. In my dating life- I never make the first call, I never plan the dates, I never pay and I expect you to remember all proper dating etiquette. If you have not opened the door for me, I will prompt you! If you have not asked for me to have a seat or offer me a drink, you will get a reminder followed by a 'were you raised in a barn'. I may exhibit a lot of masculine energy but I still like to be treated like a lady when I have my clothes on.

I was replying back and forth to a lovely fellow the other day and @s turned to DMs. Friendly and informative DMs at first then turned a little flirty. Remember to read from the bottom up.

The conversation simply began about my experience in Haiti over the summer. Then we both share our phobia of toilets that do not flush. And low and behold in just a few characters it is flirting- geek style. I won't share the rest of the DMs are they get pretty involved about life and love and what not- but I am sure you get the picture.

Is twitter the new singles bar? I don't think so at all! I do think that flirt tweeting is a great confidence booster and ego stroke. Nothing ever has to go past flirting so there is no pressure and no drama.

Give it a whirl! And if you try this with me and I know you are married- I will remind you of your loving spouse every day!


Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Shiny things, obsessions and Troll lulz.

Just like the dog Doug from the movie Up (yes I am comparing myself to an animated dog), I am really easy going, sometimes loyal and  am easily distracted by anything and everything. I also do sometimes wear a collar around my neck and can bark in several languages. I hate and love being this way. With work, being easily distracted sucks- I can be completely focused for 30 minutes and when my mind starts to drift to shoes or perfume or lunch, what is for lunch, do I have to order out, did I bring my lunch, can I run home for lunch, oooh I should not go to lunch and go to the MAC counter because I know that the lipstick that I have been waiting for has just been relaunched, but I need gas, there is that cute little accessory store by the shell gas station, I need some station cash for Everquest 2, did I ever get that code to download Rift from Direct 2 Drive, I am so glad I got that coupon code, oh I need to use my groupon before it expires- what was I doing, where was I?

Get my point? 

I have been told by some people that I may have ADHD- albeit the functioning variety. I never miss a deadline and can always call my focus back to task when needed so I never really looked into being diagnosed. I am a spaz and have been known to be extremely high strung and high energy. I smoke weed or have a few shots of Patron and I am on par with the rest of the middle level energy folks. One good thing about being a 'Doug'- is that obsessions wear quickly. I may obsess about one thing until the next thing comes along and this holds true for the men I date. For a few hours last night and then again this morning, I was obsessing over someone. This happens often so don't get all 'ooooo' and 'ahhhhh' about it.  I happen to cycle the obsession and pass the love around- although they never know it. 

Last night I kept thinking about dude, then again this morning- there was a brief pause during the day then my obsession  started again. My obsession completely stopped when I started looking for shoes which lead to me looking for purses which lead me talking to some other dude. Obsession ended.

I like things that are new and shiny. One sure fire way to get me to obsess over you for at least a few hours is to engage me in mind blowing secks or make me mad. One of those two things has to happen for you to be on my brain constantly. 

I know I obsess but I usually don't share that feeling with the object of my obsession as it is just a passing thing and I would never want to confuse anyone about the real feelings I have for them.

I tweeted this morning:

I try not to be but am sometimes selfish. I think at the emotional state I am currently in (still a little broken hearted but healing) I cannot ask people or expect them to give me what I cannot give to myself or return to them. I may be a trollop who obsesses with men she dates- but I, at one time, had deep feelings of love for someone who I asked to love me when I could not love myself.

But I digress, bring on teh lulz.

When I am bored and need a distraction, I troll. I troll for LULZ. Here is a snipped from a profile that I have somewhere on teh interwebs. 

Who in their right mind would message me? Does this read serious to you? It reads like 'troll' to me. There is the occasional that someone actually thinks I am charming and wants to get to know me better. I always reply and I am quite honest and friendly about it- if you seem like a nice dude.


See how nice. See how much of a good girl I am!!! Rawrrrr. 

Here is a random The Hangover photo. 

Monday, February 21, 2011

What are your 5 non negotiables? Are you fucking kidding me?

Not a new but a post post a repost from posterous

What are your 5 non negotiables? Are you fucking kidding me?

It must have been a few days ago- I can't remember, everything seems hazy,  (Just getting over a terrible flu/cold and was basically drunk on Nyquil for the past 4 days) that I was watching the MILLIONAIRE MATCHMAKER while talking to my girlfriend on the telephone. 
She is single and ready to mingle while I am single and LEAVE ME ALONE. I am not looking for that someone special. Been there done that, will do it again I am sure but I don't want it now. I am just having a great time doing what and who I want. But my girlfriend is actively looking for that someone special. She is in California and has been in and out of long term relationships since I have known her. 
While watching the show, Patti Stanger the Millionaire matchmaker lady asked her client what were her 5 non negotiables? My Cali girl friend shot hers off to me. 1, 2, 3. 4, 5. She must have given this some thought as it seemed natural for her to tell me- but when my girlfriend asked me "What are your 5 non negotiables"?- I just replied with an "uh uh uh I don't have any". Thankfully, I am not looking for that special someone in my life so I don't have to be prepared with a list of hard and fast non negotiables. But, the conversation with my gal pal got me to thinking. What are my qualifiers, what do I want/need from a Ms. or Mr. Right? 
I know that my heart and mind are connected- I cannot get turned on by a person if they do not have potential for longevity. NOT SAYING I JUST CANT SCREW THEM AND FORGET ABOUT IT- I totally can. But, I need to see the person as a match for me or I won't get moist, there is no chemistry- none!!! 
What if that person is totally hot? Yeah that is not doing it for me there has to be some substance there, they have to make me laugh, they have to 'get me'.
So with that being said, I came up with "5 non negotiables". 
Listed in no specific order:
1. Chemistry- I don't know how to  quantify this, either you have it together or you don't. There are many levels of chemistry, I suppose what I am seeking is the highest level where every time I see you I want to hop in the sack. I don't find intense chemistry that often but when I do- I hold onto it for a very long time.  
2. Self confidence that at least matches my own. Yeah I can't do whiney baby emo, I just can't. I like strong people. I feed off of powerful masculine (even in a woman) energy. I even find cocky a bit sexy- not douchy cocky but very high self confidence.
3. Intelligence- Book smarts and street smarts. A nice mixture of formal education and street swagga. Can we discuss Jacques Derrida while watching the Dallas cowboys game? Is a college education a must- Yes it is. College education is no measure of education, however a college education displays that at the very least you were smart enough to convince all of your professors to give you a passing grade.
4. Teh Funneh- If you don't make me laugh my pants don't come off. I love randomness and teh funneh. I love to laugh so hard that I cry real tears and I have been lucky enough to be surrounded by people who make me do this daily. I need funny in my life. I am pretty funny and I hate being in a relationship where I am the only one with wit- I am not here to entertain you. Lets entertain each other. 
5. Altruism-I give a lot of myself to my community, my friends, my family, and the world. I think it is important to be selfless and just be caring. It is hard to act on one's feelings of altruism, we have so many personal responsibilities- bills, taking care of loved ones, etc... But to have a heart that is altruistic, for another person to feel that they are obligated to make this world a better place, to leave this world satisfied that you did your part-well that is what I desire.

So thats my 5.
What a tall order!

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Trolloping through rift.

When I am not out and about trolloping and drinking Patron, I partake in other, more innocent hobbies- such as video games. Here is a short video from Rift which is in its last few hours of beta *sigh*. I am not sure I am completely sold.  I am all for playing video games but I do not necessarily want to commit to paying every month. The cost of the monthly subscription is rather cheap, as low as 9.99 which in some bars isn't even a shot of Patron silver for me. Can't even buy a MAC lipglass for 9.99. Anyways. Here is a little peak at the game I have been tweeting about this week.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Metro Mint, new Radiohead, and Video games

I made a plan to spend the weekend in! NB is in ATX visiting his family and I may have said I was not going anywhere at all this weekend. That idea lasted all of 3 hours. 

I found myself in Addison last night after dinner-  Radiohead 'Creep' via Karaoke and a few Patrons later, I was in a hotel room with friend. Oh and just as luck would have it- I started shark week- YES MY PERIOD! What?! YES! I am a week early, wtf, how did that happen? Did not matter anyways, friend was down for well lets just say,  he was very supportive of my needs. I kept my boots on too and now I feel like a real dirty cowgirl, but I digress. You don't want to hear raunchy deets about my night with my legs in the most contorted positions or how I may have dug my boot heel into his ass so hard it left marks. Btw- he says I was stabbing him with heel- I think he is a liar! There was only a little dig for encouragement going on.

Nope this post is not about that. 
Well it is but it isn't.

I really just wanted to post a pic of my elf chicha in Rift. 

I have my Metro Mint water, some apple slices, the new Radiohead playing in the background and am playing Rift. I will play this game on and off for the entire weekend as my choochie heals and I regain my good girl powa.

Pic posted. Mission accomplished. 

Friday, February 18, 2011

Risky business.

Sometimes cupcake partakes in risky business.
But cupcake is a smart cookie as not to put herself in too dangerous a situation to cause her great bodily harm or death (look folks I am here and still blogging).

Trollop Cupcake Rule #13

When one goes trolloping in areas not familiar or situations not familiar- have a designated safe person, DSP. What does that mean exactly? 

And please do this with as much detail as possible. Scared, scared that your friends will think poorly of the trolloping activities you are doing? I suggest you get better friends but in the mean time, find yourself someone who can follow instructions and will follow through on your behalf.

In this day and age- you can never be too safe.

When and where would I need to remember rule #13 and call/text/email my DSP?
If you are a single trollop, like myself- do this all the time. Make it a habit- even if just to text your girlfriend that you are going to see Gnomeo and Juliet with NB, I mean, just going to the movies. If you are sometimes naughty like myself and do trollopy like things- you need to keep yourself safe. But most importantly, remember to do this when:

  • you are meeting someone for the first time
  • you are leaving one place for another with someone you just met
  • you are going to someone's home/office for the first time (or riding in their car)
  • planning on doing any drugs with a person you only know casually or strangers (STRANGER DANGER)
  • are doing any type of D/S activities with a non long term partner.

Also remember, don't drink and drive, do not have unprotected sex, and for fuck sake do not have sex with someone unless you have some major details of their life like their NAME!

This post brought to you by the numbers and letters 3SOME.

Thanks Joe for being my DSP. 

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Love, Trolling and Lulz

I love to laugh. I keep myself rolling laughing all day long. I find being serious very difficult- even when at work. If laughter is the best medicine I will never be sick. 

I date, you know that. I date someone more seriously than others and rarely share with anyone the inner workings of our 'relationship'. I have a great time with him. He is hilarious and we keep each other in stitches when we are together. I keep most of what we share close to the chest like a good hand of cards I do not want anyone to see.

With that said- bring on the other boys!!!

This Text is from, well, he has no nick name yet- he is hilarious but all we talk about is getting it on. Maybe our friendship is too shallow for him to even have a nick name.

Trolling. Maybe you know or maybe you don't know that sometimes I am a troll. Our latest trolling adventure (oh yes I said our) is on a dating website. I have not had so many hours of laughs sitting at my desk. I have a profile there- very honest and open and basically TRUTHFUL. If you would ever read it, you would know that I am not looking for anything but LULZ- but not everyone understands that. If you get through my entire profile, which is hilarious, you will come down to a part where I say who should message me and who should not. I write about LARP and NINJAS and alpha males- I actually do this as a deterrent. I respond to everyone, some men are very rude and tell me to get a life and get off dating websites, others say they are looking for soul mates- I always respond. Always. If you greet me with friendliness, I will respond that I am just messing around and wish you luck looking for your special person. If you greet me with hostility, you will have your ass served to you. If you are unsure and you just greet me- I will engage you in a string of messages so long and so hilarious- you will think that this dating website is comedy central and will join me in my future trolling activities.

My army of trolls grows with every message.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Epic Failure- Drunk Text/Emailing

The iphone has a very big screen but after you have had a few drinks, it gets a little difficult to see. I suppose that is true with anything.

When you are 'dating', you collect phone numbers and email addresses of people whom you find interesting and possibly want to get to know better and you put these numbers in your phone. The day of the crumpled up piece of paper died a decade ago. Anywhoo.

When you are dating, sleeping with, seeing, flirting, getting to know several people at the same time that have the same initials, same last names, same first names or any of those combinations- drunk texting/emailing or any contact really is just not a good idea. And if you are really really drunk- texting/emailing/calling is just not a good idea.

For example (this was from last night)

I recieved a text message from dude.

Dude: Where ya at?
Me in reply to text but to someone else's email: you need toknow that you dontneedtoknow you nosey motherfucker.

What just happened here? I have no idea. I mean I really have no idea what happened there. AND THIS WAS NOT THE ONLY JUMBLED TEXT/EMAIL COMBO I sent last night. I sent  2 others but more innocent. I know-epic failure. I did send the most apologetic email to all parties involved.

Lesson of the day? For me: DON'T REPLY FOR FUCK SAKE!

 Reason number #39 why I hate the iphone:

This jacked up piece of shit has to display who sent the TEXT! So if you meet Jim and put his name in your contacts as Jim Likes to Get Rimmed, he will most likely text you when you are out to dinner with your parents and your phone is on the table and plain sight. Has this happen to me? Luckily, no.  But you are saying to yourself, 'Trollop, if Jim would call his name would also show up as Jim Likes to Get Rimmed". My answer to you is "Text is king! Who talks on the phone anymore? Especially some dude you just met who likes to get rimmed or whatever."


Wednesday, February 9, 2011

LULZ FWB email.

Today, I received a few emails back and forth from a 'friends with benefits'- or at least I think that is what I should call him because there are definitely benefits from being his friend- but he is a crack up!

I may have called him a retard and we went back and forth, and somehow he always ends up talking about his penis.


Guest blog post.

I was asked if I would be interested in submitting a ‘free read’ or ‘guest blog’ for I have never been one to turn down an opportunity to write about myself, so, I agreed. Originally, I set out to write about my first date with a lover of mine where his hands were down my pants 40 minutes into the date. But, instead what came out was totally unexpected. I wrote about heartache. It just came out. The blog post is very emotionally charged, raw, open and very very real. I usually do not like to talk about my pain- I mean who does? Who likes to be known as an emo?

Well with that said, the post should go live in a few days and I cannot wait to hear your thoughts.


Monday, February 7, 2011

Bi polar lover?

I have a strange relationship with a man. 
Epic secks, awkward cuddling, and all we seem to talk about is Lulz and politics and yes of course NAKED WRESTLING. I can't read him and I am usually really good at reading people. I suspect it is because he is bi-polar and/or just bat shit crazy. I am not looking for a relationship, he knows that. I am also seeing someone else and he knows that too. But one minute he is totally fine being the side guy, the next minute he wants deets on who I am sleeping with, then he misses me, then he thinks I am a lesbian, then then then then- he is a mother fucking seesaw. But secks is pure awesomeness so I  just deal with the crazy.

Is that something men do? Put up with crazy because the secks is good.

He may be a little perturbed with me as of late. I am a little slower returning phone calls, text messages, and emails and have given him one excuse after another why we can't get together on such and such date. I am not trying to diss, but trying to distance. Honestly, I like him lots- but he is so not stable and so not good for me. I can't shake him though- he showers me with lulz all day long.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

"Twitter"- and "This one is for you, sir."

I really do put my life on the (time) line. I am not a real trollop but am a real cupcake. I tweet about the most mundane things that happen, walking the dog, the arrival of my delivery pizza. But I also tweet about the erotic, exotic, and down right filthy (have you seen the toilet pic tweets?). Also as some of you know, I spend a good deal of last summer in Haiti helping out the people there and I tweeted about that also. My twitter timeline is all encompassing of me, the real me, the tweeter known as Trollop_cupcake.
I have a handful of real life friends on twitter, some who you have seen @reply to me and hold full on conversations on our time line, but then I also have a few friends who do not go public with their friendship with me- mostly because they use their real names on their twitter accounts or think I am an absolute horror on twitter, idk and idc- we always have a laugh about things I have tweeted when we are together anyways. Also, the man who broke my heart, this past fall, still, from time to time peeps into my twitter to see what is going on in my life.
What I say in my stream is very real and that goes for the private conversations via DM as well. 
What kinds of DMs do I get?
I get a lot of DMs that:
Ask for naked pictures.
Ask for my phone number.
Try to get me to look at naked pictures.
Ask me for advice.
And then the usual DMs- just being chatty and friendly.
Do I send naked pictures of myself out? NO! But I have been known to send some pictures of me, well, naked but you can't see that I am naked- lets just say they are naughty and if you have had the pleasure of seeing those- consider yourself very lucky. So I guess, YES I DO.
Do I give my phone number out? Not usually. I have made some friends from twitter and they have become great real life friends but will I just pass you my digits? Depends on your game I guess.  
Do I want to see your naked picture? For the most part yes.
Will I give you advice? I fail miserably at romance, I cannot stay in a relationship to save my life, sure yup sure I will give you advice.
And that is the reason for this blog post actually (pats her back for a great segue).

Some advice.
This one is for you, sir. (this will mean nothing to anyone else)

I have given your situation much thought and as much as I am not a believer in 'cheating', my advice to you is to get a mistress. No, I am not being silly. I am being dead serious. You have a wonderful relationship which only lacks one thing- sex. And it is possibly a little more than sex that you are missing, you are missing the adventure, the physical connection, the intimacy of actually placing your cock inside the person you love. How unfortunate. But, how lucky you are to have a spouse that may possibly be open to the idea of a second partner or even an open marriage.
My thoughts on open marriage- they don't work. However, I could be completely wrong. I am neither mature enough or confident enough in myself to marry a person who would want other relationships outside of the marriage. I see being a swinger and having an open marriage as two different things. Swingers do it together, open marriages, the spouses do who they want. You need to tell your wife your needs and your possible solutions which are 
1. Fuck me, lots and give me lots of blow jobs. 
2. Open marriage
3. Mistress- side piece.
The only way solution #3 would work is if you could find a partner that truly can subscribe to FWB- someone with whom you can connect with on many levels, find attractive, have excellent chemistry but that also is seriously not looking for a relationship, is mature enough to handle a relationship that is purely sexual, and respects your time and privacy. This will prove very difficult to find as most women, will eventually 'catch feelings'- and it is okay to have feelings for your FWB/SIDE HONEY/MISTRESS, that is totally okay, even natural- but ground rules have to be established and most importantly trust. Ideally, you would find a women in a similar situation, totally in love with her spouse who just cannot fulfill her sexually.

Good luck to you, my friend. If you were only a few thousand miles closer.

The magically delicious

Trollop Cupcake

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Things that make you say 'hmmmmmmm'

✔ I live in Texas. 
There are a lot of Christians (I am not one of them) in Texas.
✔ I have a handful of girlfriends that don't work but play golf all the time.
✔ These girls also wear shirts that have bling crosses on them.
✔ My choices of female friends is very limited.
✔ They send me chain emails.

I got a chain/group girlfriend email today from a friend who has a daughter in college. Most of the time I do not mind these emails as it keeps me abreast of what is going on in the lives of their families. 
But, IDK maybe I am just being a little picky today but the email irked me.
She writes about her daughter's accomplishments in college and how thankful they are and that god is good and continues to bless them- eerrrrrrrr *screeching halt*. Many thanks to god in the email and no kudos to her daughter for her hard work.
I suppose her daughter's decision to study instead of party must be god sending them blessings. I suppose it isn't hard work and determination. And I suppose that all a long you have prayed for your daughter to do well instead of encouraging her.
She goes on and on about blessings and being blessed and bless and bless you and achooo.
What happens if she does poorly in school next semester? Will your family be punished and your blessing be revoked? 
I know she is proud of her daughter- the email just came across as more preachy than anything.
I never impose my non belief on anyone so I replied to the email, simply asking for her daughter's mailing address so I could send her a cute card and a gift certificate to somewhere. 
I wanted to acknowledge HER hard work for HER accomplishments.
I am going to sit on my couch and pray for pizza to come- lets see how far that gets me. 

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Next Girl

The look of the cake 
It ain't always the taste 
My ex girl she had 
Such a beautiful face

I wanted love 
But not for myself 
But for the girl 
So she could love herself

My next girl 
Will be nothing like my ex girl 
I made mistakes back then 
I'll never do it again 
With my next girl 
She'll be nothing like my ex girl 
That was a painful dance 
Now I got a second chance

A beautiful face 
And a wicked way 
And I'm paying for her 
Beautiful face every day
All that work 
Over so much time If I think too hard 
I might lose my mind

My next girl 
Will be nothing like my ex girl 
I made mistakes back then 
I'll never do it again 
With my next girl 
She'll be nothing like my ex girl 
That was a painful dance 
Now I got a second chance