Yes, I had to use all caps for that.
Oh spring!
Grass growing green, weeds too.
Birds singing,
Everything seems new.
Again.
But it is the same old shit- just different year.
Ha!
I am on Celibacy day 9. Honestly, I don't remember why I am tracking my celibacy; I just am. However, I have had a little bit of clarity as the past 9 days I have abstained from any physical contact or 'too' flirty conversations and/or emails/texts/subliminal messages with anyone- my mind is free of romance clutter.
Aside,of course, for the lovely text messages I have been exchanging with a young chap (Yes I said chap and yes he is old enough to buy beer) about a fantasy date trip to the moon or other flirty, dorky, cutsey stuff that may involve masterbation, hands, and Pokemon balls.
I have not tweeted much lately about my non-relationship with NB. I was never going to be his girlfriend. I never wanted a relationship. I told him many times that I was not ready for a relationship, I was still damaged, I just wanted things to be casual. Truth is, or so I think, that I just did not want to have a relationship with him. So with heavy heart, I told him what I thought and we have ended our friendship, completely. I really strive to be a honest and open person- I feel compelled to tell the truth and sadly, I do not have the social skills to sugar coat what needs to be said. But, my darling NB, Jeff, was in love with me and the closest I could get to loving him was loving the way I felt when he did things for me.
Last fall, my heart was broken, shattered really- but I think it unfair to myself and to others that I continue to use that excuse as a crutch. I met a man who I thought was my soul mate- everything about him made me want to be a better 'me'. But, the stars did not align for us, there were no parting of the clouds, and angels did not drop from your heaven and wish us well. Shit just sometimes doesn't work out.
So I threw myself into a non-relationship with a man who was lacking two important characteristics that I would need in a partner. He lacked self confidence that matched my own- I really need someone in my life more alpha than I. And we did not have that 'wild animal fucking' chemistry that I crave. (more on my checklist here:Old blog post)
And I was very clear in the onset of this non-relationship that I was not looking for a relationship, AT ALL. I just wanted to enjoy his company. At the time, he thought it an awesome idea. Fast Forward a few months and he may have changed his mind and created expectations of me and our non-relationship that I was not aware of.
There were key indicators of his dissatisfaction with this arrangement- there was the late night text messages inquiring of my whereabouts, there were snarky conversations about what or who I was doing when we were not together- but when we were together he was happy.
He told me a few weeks ago that it felt like I was his girlfriend when we were together- he discussed with me all the 'couply' things that we did together, like how we would take naps, just naps together in the middle of the day or go to Costco and buy soy milk- but he also told me that he thought I was doing the same thing with someone else.
I was not.
But, I was not about to argue my position in this 'non-relationship'.
I may have acted the part of his girlfriend when he needed me to, subconsciously. I also, in retrospect, think he viewed our 'non-relationship' a lot differently than I did. To me, he was a good friend that I could share everything with and sometimes do this while we were naked. To him, I was a broken hearted girl that only needed time to heal to realize that he was the one for me.
I never asked for exclusivity.
I may have inadvertently gave him false hope by just being who I am.
So with that said, I will try my hardest not to 'throw that p' (Reference to what that means in video below) to any unsuspecting new victims, I will try to keep my hands to myself and level any 'girlfriend' expectation that may arise.
I have not tweeted much lately about my non-relationship with NB. I was never going to be his girlfriend. I never wanted a relationship. I told him many times that I was not ready for a relationship, I was still damaged, I just wanted things to be casual. Truth is, or so I think, that I just did not want to have a relationship with him. So with heavy heart, I told him what I thought and we have ended our friendship, completely. I really strive to be a honest and open person- I feel compelled to tell the truth and sadly, I do not have the social skills to sugar coat what needs to be said. But, my darling NB, Jeff, was in love with me and the closest I could get to loving him was loving the way I felt when he did things for me.
Last fall, my heart was broken, shattered really- but I think it unfair to myself and to others that I continue to use that excuse as a crutch. I met a man who I thought was my soul mate- everything about him made me want to be a better 'me'. But, the stars did not align for us, there were no parting of the clouds, and angels did not drop from your heaven and wish us well. Shit just sometimes doesn't work out.
So I threw myself into a non-relationship with a man who was lacking two important characteristics that I would need in a partner. He lacked self confidence that matched my own- I really need someone in my life more alpha than I. And we did not have that 'wild animal fucking' chemistry that I crave. (more on my checklist here:Old blog post)
And I was very clear in the onset of this non-relationship that I was not looking for a relationship, AT ALL. I just wanted to enjoy his company. At the time, he thought it an awesome idea. Fast Forward a few months and he may have changed his mind and created expectations of me and our non-relationship that I was not aware of.
There were key indicators of his dissatisfaction with this arrangement- there was the late night text messages inquiring of my whereabouts, there were snarky conversations about what or who I was doing when we were not together- but when we were together he was happy.
He told me a few weeks ago that it felt like I was his girlfriend when we were together- he discussed with me all the 'couply' things that we did together, like how we would take naps, just naps together in the middle of the day or go to Costco and buy soy milk- but he also told me that he thought I was doing the same thing with someone else.
I was not.
But, I was not about to argue my position in this 'non-relationship'.
I may have acted the part of his girlfriend when he needed me to, subconsciously. I also, in retrospect, think he viewed our 'non-relationship' a lot differently than I did. To me, he was a good friend that I could share everything with and sometimes do this while we were naked. To him, I was a broken hearted girl that only needed time to heal to realize that he was the one for me.
I never asked for exclusivity.
I may have inadvertently gave him false hope by just being who I am.
So with that said, I will try my hardest not to 'throw that p' (Reference to what that means in video below) to any unsuspecting new victims, I will try to keep my hands to myself and level any 'girlfriend' expectation that may arise.
So I take this celibacy thing of mine as a emotional and physical cleansing of sorts. There is not a goal of how many days I want to remain celibate- there is no 'end game' to my celibacy- I have gotten what I needed from going a whole 9 days without sex.
A little bit of de cluttering.
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