Fast Forward to now.

I can't believe it has been 3 months since I have not set foot in an office. Well roughly 3 months. I cannot even believe I thought I was going to be bored! What was I thinking?

As I type this, just having come from outside laying in the sun with my dog, smell of sandalwood incense perfumes my house and I light this very large blunt.

I am happy.

I created this blog because I wanted to chronicle all the crazy romance and dating shit I was going though. I wanted a safe place to share my thoughts without judgement and make a few people laugh along the way. I have totally completed that.

I was in a bad place in my life before I quit my job. It was a difficult decision but in the end, I believe, the best decision I have ever made in my life. The organization I was with no longer met my personal needs. I had to go and I did. I have to watch my money very closely, I could not go on trips and buy things I wanted but, I am able to pay my bills and take care of my basics.

When I stopped working, I threw myself into my yoga practice. I have practiced yoga very inconstantly for 3ish years and since I was not working, I thought time to get into a regular practice. I also thought it time I try to love running. I ran when I was in high school, the 440 even and with age I just did not have that zest for running any more.

Fast forward to now.
I attend at least 10 practices every week.
I run every day.
I go to the gym every other day.

I lost the nagging 12 pounds that was attached to my ass from sitting on it all day at work.

I feel beast. I feel bad ass.

Today for yoga boot camp was: I can manifest my own destiny. Stolen from the pages of American History books. But put yourself in a hippie minds set and you know where I am getting at. I can make whatever I desire happen for me. This has been pretty true most of my life as I have always worked hard to get where I am and get what I want. No ego.

I used to dread going to this one instructors yoga class. OMG the sheer mention of his name sent shivers up my spine. He was just too bad ass, his classes were just super advanced, I wanted to be able to move my body after one of his classes not be comatose. Although, I had known him for 2 years, I had never taken his class because of this fear.
I had to get over my fear as my BFF said I had to come, get high and then take his hot yoga class- it was 'trans formative' she told me. So I did and 2 times a week, I took his hard ass class. Sweating my ass off, huffing and puffing, falling on the floor and just looking a fool.
I spent more time talking to that teacher whilst on the mat. Love, life, meditation, and yoga were our topics of choice- this progressed to smoking before class and a friendship began.

And as luck would have it.
I am dating my yoga teacher.

Funny how things can change from one season to the next.

Fuck this job!

I love my job!
I love the results of my work!

I cannot stand our agency and our leadership!
I do not love dealing with the douche bags at the top.

Our economy sucks ass but I don't care.

I QUIT!

I will be taking about 4 months of living expenses out of my 401k and I will not be looking for a job for a while. I may travel a little bit- but my plan is to do things I did not do because I was tied to a desk for the past 10 years.

I think I will learn how to ride a bike, during the day in the middle of the week.
I will learn to play the guitar in the morning.
I will wake up late and not iron my clothes.

I will take a mother fucking break.

I want...

THE FUCK OUT OF TEXAS! 

Tra la la la la...

Tis the season to be {fill in the black}, tra la la la la lalala.

Do I celebrate Christmas?
I sure the fuck do. I celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Birthdays, St. Patrick's day, your anniversary, red ribbon week, Cake Day, I fucking celebrate everything!! But what I do not do is celebrate Thanksgiving or celebrate these HOLYdays as they are intended. But neither do you.

I have to go to the mall today- because my little sister (the girl I mentor) wants to go shopping for a Christmas present for her mother. She is a Christian. I am not. We do not discuss religion or anything of that nature.

I understand what all the fuss is about, I really do. You get caught up in the moment and this is a special time of the year where you can show loved ones they are valued- by buying them that perfect gift. I send my family presents for their holiday, because I love them and they celebrate Christmas.

(after shopping with my little sister)
I believe I heard more arguments in the mall today that I heard Holiday cheer or laughter. I happened to hear a daughter tell her mother that she was spending too much money and 'they are not even going to play with it anyways so why are you buying it for them'  in the toy section of TJ MAX.

Tra la la la la...

In Bed Bath and Beyond, I heard two ladies discussing how whatever they were looking for was too hard to find and that they might as well 'give the fuck up'.

These are the happiest of times!

If you are so compelled to buy shit and basically throw your money away on useless crap- I offer you this suggestion.  DONATE MONEY TO A CHARITY ON THEIR BEHALF.

Sure still buy them that panty or wine of the month but if you want to go overboard... Give them a gift that really has value,

WWF is one of my favorites during the holidays.

XOXO
Cupcake

Detoxing and stuff

Little did I know that the yoga boot camp I signed up for was a yoga detox boot camp. I was expecting to fine tune some poses and maybe learn some new ones. But, what I got was this super intense yoga practice coupled with restriction of diet, meditation, and journaling. Today is my 13th day of the boot camp and yesterday I introducted Nauli 3 to my daily routine and a longer meditative practice at night. I take no caffeine, no processed foods, no sugar and no alcohol. I totes miss my caffeine and alcohol but the detox is only 21 days. I can do anything for just 21 days. In the past 13 days, at night, I have been shit dog tired and easily go to sleep.I do not think of any of the things and people that have been stressing me this month- I don't worry, I just go to sleep. And this is awesome.

I have been in and out of emo all summer. I was letting toxic people infiltrate my life, blind me with beer, weed, sex, and false promises. But, I had a great time chopping down trees when I was in Springfield, MA- so my summer was not a complete wash. 

This detox process has helped me open my eyes to see how poisonous some of the things I do are. (Other things aside from the recreational use of weed and X) 

I have also realized in 13 days that the way I cope with the issues I have in my life is by helping others. I am always throwing myself into volunteering, giving and caring for others - in an attempt to help them instead of deal with whatever issues I am having at that moment. I suppose that is how I run away. I run into helping people. This made me think even more- maybe my altruistic tendencies are really just selfish. 

It isn't a negative realization, just a realization. I do firmly believe that it is better to give than to receive.

I will continue some more self introspection as I go into the third phase of my yoga detox.

I still suck at chatarunga and my side crow looks like shit- but I keep practicing.

Tomorrow I begin a 48 hour fast. Yippie.

3 month Long Roller Coaster Ride (and not the good kind)

In the past 3 months a lot has happened. It was a roller coaster ride that I never want to get on ever again for as long as I live until death and beyond. I typically like roller coaster rides they are like having sex with crazy people. You go up and everything is seemly normal, then weeeeeeeeeeeee you head down screaming in ecstasy (or if you are me screaming in ecstasy while you are on ecstasy).

I got lost in a vision of having sex with a crazy person- now where was I? Oh yes. So... 3 months ago, I learned that the grant that funds my program was on the chopping block (now officially chopped). We lost 2.2 million and I am the only person from that program that can still say she is employed. There is no more program.

I cried.

My favorite playmate moved away.
All of my co-workers lost their jobs.
And (at that time) I could not find any weed.

To make matters worse- I threw myself back into the comforting arms of NB aka RB aka JeffI who I just ended up using and hurting.

And the cowboy really enjoyed being a whipping boy. Sadly, I figured out that I did not like whipping him at all. In fact, I never want to whip a man again for the rest of my life until death and beyond. It just really isn't for me- kind of I can take a whipping but I can't dish it out at all. I was actually disgusted and completely turned off at the request for whippings. The cowboy and I are still friends, he still tries to get me drunk so I can get naked with him- but it is unlikely that it will happen again. I am happy for him though as he got to fly his freak flag a little bit.

Needless to say, it was a pretty fucked up 3 months. For those 3 months, I did not know if I would have a job.I was majorly stressed and took up drinking lots and lots of beer. I think I gained 10 pounds and I blame beer!!

Things are much better now though.
My old playmate and I have reconnected a little bit and we had the opportunity to spend some time together.
I still have a job, same work, different title, more travel, less pay- 8% less- but in this economy I will take it. It is contract work, same as before so in 15 months I may be almost jobless again. But a lot can happen in 15 months.


I am off to clean up tornado debris for a few weeks. I am sure I will have lots of stories to tell after that.

Xoxo

3 months no post

So much has happened in the past 3 months. Way too much for me to blog about in the next 2 minutes. Update coming soon.

Next post will talk about the men in my life, my visits to the dentists, work, summer, and tornadoes.

But until then.

'eyes wide open'