I want...

THE FUCK OUT OF TEXAS! 

Tra la la la la...

Tis the season to be {fill in the black}, tra la la la la lalala.

Do I celebrate Christmas?
I sure the fuck do. I celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Birthdays, St. Patrick's day, your anniversary, red ribbon week, Cake Day, I fucking celebrate everything!! But what I do not do is celebrate Thanksgiving or celebrate these HOLYdays as they are intended. But neither do you.

I have to go to the mall today- because my little sister (the girl I mentor) wants to go shopping for a Christmas present for her mother. She is a Christian. I am not. We do not discuss religion or anything of that nature.

I understand what all the fuss is about, I really do. You get caught up in the moment and this is a special time of the year where you can show loved ones they are valued- by buying them that perfect gift. I send my family presents for their holiday, because I love them and they celebrate Christmas.

(after shopping with my little sister)
I believe I heard more arguments in the mall today that I heard Holiday cheer or laughter. I happened to hear a daughter tell her mother that she was spending too much money and 'they are not even going to play with it anyways so why are you buying it for them'  in the toy section of TJ MAX.

Tra la la la la...

In Bed Bath and Beyond, I heard two ladies discussing how whatever they were looking for was too hard to find and that they might as well 'give the fuck up'.

These are the happiest of times!

If you are so compelled to buy shit and basically throw your money away on useless crap- I offer you this suggestion.  DONATE MONEY TO A CHARITY ON THEIR BEHALF.

Sure still buy them that panty or wine of the month but if you want to go overboard... Give them a gift that really has value,

WWF is one of my favorites during the holidays.

XOXO
Cupcake

Detoxing and stuff

Little did I know that the yoga boot camp I signed up for was a yoga detox boot camp. I was expecting to fine tune some poses and maybe learn some new ones. But, what I got was this super intense yoga practice coupled with restriction of diet, meditation, and journaling. Today is my 13th day of the boot camp and yesterday I introducted Nauli 3 to my daily routine and a longer meditative practice at night. I take no caffeine, no processed foods, no sugar and no alcohol. I totes miss my caffeine and alcohol but the detox is only 21 days. I can do anything for just 21 days. In the past 13 days, at night, I have been shit dog tired and easily go to sleep.I do not think of any of the things and people that have been stressing me this month- I don't worry, I just go to sleep. And this is awesome.

I have been in and out of emo all summer. I was letting toxic people infiltrate my life, blind me with beer, weed, sex, and false promises. But, I had a great time chopping down trees when I was in Springfield, MA- so my summer was not a complete wash. 

This detox process has helped me open my eyes to see how poisonous some of the things I do are. (Other things aside from the recreational use of weed and X) 

I have also realized in 13 days that the way I cope with the issues I have in my life is by helping others. I am always throwing myself into volunteering, giving and caring for others - in an attempt to help them instead of deal with whatever issues I am having at that moment. I suppose that is how I run away. I run into helping people. This made me think even more- maybe my altruistic tendencies are really just selfish. 

It isn't a negative realization, just a realization. I do firmly believe that it is better to give than to receive.

I will continue some more self introspection as I go into the third phase of my yoga detox.

I still suck at chatarunga and my side crow looks like shit- but I keep practicing.

Tomorrow I begin a 48 hour fast. Yippie.

3 month Long Roller Coaster Ride (and not the good kind)

In the past 3 months a lot has happened. It was a roller coaster ride that I never want to get on ever again for as long as I live until death and beyond. I typically like roller coaster rides they are like having sex with crazy people. You go up and everything is seemly normal, then weeeeeeeeeeeee you head down screaming in ecstasy (or if you are me screaming in ecstasy while you are on ecstasy).

I got lost in a vision of having sex with a crazy person- now where was I? Oh yes. So... 3 months ago, I learned that the grant that funds my program was on the chopping block (now officially chopped). We lost 2.2 million and I am the only person from that program that can still say she is employed. There is no more program.

I cried.

My favorite playmate moved away.
All of my co-workers lost their jobs.
And (at that time) I could not find any weed.

To make matters worse- I threw myself back into the comforting arms of NB aka RB aka JeffI who I just ended up using and hurting.

And the cowboy really enjoyed being a whipping boy. Sadly, I figured out that I did not like whipping him at all. In fact, I never want to whip a man again for the rest of my life until death and beyond. It just really isn't for me- kind of I can take a whipping but I can't dish it out at all. I was actually disgusted and completely turned off at the request for whippings. The cowboy and I are still friends, he still tries to get me drunk so I can get naked with him- but it is unlikely that it will happen again. I am happy for him though as he got to fly his freak flag a little bit.

Needless to say, it was a pretty fucked up 3 months. For those 3 months, I did not know if I would have a job.I was majorly stressed and took up drinking lots and lots of beer. I think I gained 10 pounds and I blame beer!!

Things are much better now though.
My old playmate and I have reconnected a little bit and we had the opportunity to spend some time together.
I still have a job, same work, different title, more travel, less pay- 8% less- but in this economy I will take it. It is contract work, same as before so in 15 months I may be almost jobless again. But a lot can happen in 15 months.


I am off to clean up tornado debris for a few weeks. I am sure I will have lots of stories to tell after that.

Xoxo

3 months no post

So much has happened in the past 3 months. Way too much for me to blog about in the next 2 minutes. Update coming soon.

Next post will talk about the men in my life, my visits to the dentists, work, summer, and tornadoes.

But until then.

'eyes wide open'

:)

Celibacy, beer, and tarot card readings, oh my.

On Celibacy:
A beautiful day, a fantastic lunch, great conversation about MMOs, kilt, kinky, and a thick southern drawl broke my vow of celibacy.

As if I cared, anyways.

I did a little purging of my personal life (read: no more NB) and played low key on the flirting for a few days. 11 days later I decided to jump back into the sack with a cowboy. Cowboy is super sweet and super high energy and fucking him was like fucking someone who was on coke. Anyways... Cowboy is the ultimate vanilla lover- very willing to please, very shy, not adventurous, but very eager. There may have been a belt laying on the floor that I may have picked up and slapped his ass with and when I asked him if he would like for me to whip him, he responded with  'I don't know'. 'I DON'T KNOW' MEANS YES!
After rolling around in the hay for a while, we got into a deep discussion about sex. Cowboy disclosed that his experiences have not been kinky or adventurous and I told him that I could change that for him, if he was willing. He is willing. I will be his coach.

I have had great lovers in my life and have been fortunate enough to have a kinky coach myself. So, I will play the kinky forward. Teach this cowboy a few kinky tricks or two and he can then pass this on to other lovers he will have and so on and so forth. See what I just did there? I am always trying to help someone *smile*


On Beer: 
What has gotten into me since St. Pat's day: BEER!!! Not only do I enjoy Guinness, I now enjoy Modelo - thanks to Cowboy for introducing this to me.

On Tarot card reading: 

When I was 20, I stopped by a local fortune teller shop and on a whim paid for a tarot reading for myself and my roommate. It was all on a whim. I thought the lady was complete bullshit- she told me all the things that a 20 year old did not want to hear- about, a failed marriage, failure at romance, moving states, relationships in general, depression, excess substance use... Bullshit, right? All of what I remember her telling me has come true. There are details of my personal life that I do not share on any platform, these are details that I always keep to myself until I feel trust with that person I am disclosing to. But trust me, the bitch was spot on. 

This weekend, on a whim again, at the Forth Worth Main Street Arts Festival, a palm reading sign caught my eye. I thought to myself, why the F not. At this point in my life, I do not have many unanswered life questions and for the most part, I do not have many problems. I am happy with who I am and where I am in my life. So, needless to say I had no questions for Psychic Contessa (name on her card by the way). Contessa asked me if I prefer to have my tarot cards read instead of my palm and I agreed. She asked me if I had any questions for her and I responded 'just tell me what you see'.

This is what she told me about the present:

• People are two faced to me, happy to my face but jealous of me behind my back. 
• There are some people who wish I was not happy.
• I am a happy and giving person that thinks of others before myself.
• I am stable in my life but wish for more wealth.
• I cannot keep a relationship for very long and may also self sabotage the relationships.
• I meet people and connect with them easily- but often lose touch.
• I loved someone very deeply and think of him every night.

Pretty generic enough. I mean these facts could basically fit anyone. 

This is what she told me about the future:

• I will own my own business in 4 years.
• I will meet a man in the next 3 months who will make me rethink my stance on relationships.
• I will be traveling in the next 2 months for more than 2 weeks but less than a month and this trip will make me extremely happy.
• In the next 6 months there will be a huge change with your job and your location.
• Money will be coming my way from now until 6 months from now, a substantial amount.
• I will remain healthy. 
• I will remarry.

So. Meh, lets see if any of these things happen to me. AND IF THEY DO I AM GOING BACK TO HER FOR LOTTO NUMBERS!