Detoxing and stuff

Little did I know that the yoga boot camp I signed up for was a yoga detox boot camp. I was expecting to fine tune some poses and maybe learn some new ones. But, what I got was this super intense yoga practice coupled with restriction of diet, meditation, and journaling. Today is my 13th day of the boot camp and yesterday I introducted Nauli 3 to my daily routine and a longer meditative practice at night. I take no caffeine, no processed foods, no sugar and no alcohol. I totes miss my caffeine and alcohol but the detox is only 21 days. I can do anything for just 21 days. In the past 13 days, at night, I have been shit dog tired and easily go to sleep.I do not think of any of the things and people that have been stressing me this month- I don't worry, I just go to sleep. And this is awesome.

I have been in and out of emo all summer. I was letting toxic people infiltrate my life, blind me with beer, weed, sex, and false promises. But, I had a great time chopping down trees when I was in Springfield, MA- so my summer was not a complete wash. 

This detox process has helped me open my eyes to see how poisonous some of the things I do are. (Other things aside from the recreational use of weed and X) 

I have also realized in 13 days that the way I cope with the issues I have in my life is by helping others. I am always throwing myself into volunteering, giving and caring for others - in an attempt to help them instead of deal with whatever issues I am having at that moment. I suppose that is how I run away. I run into helping people. This made me think even more- maybe my altruistic tendencies are really just selfish. 

It isn't a negative realization, just a realization. I do firmly believe that it is better to give than to receive.

I will continue some more self introspection as I go into the third phase of my yoga detox.

I still suck at chatarunga and my side crow looks like shit- but I keep practicing.

Tomorrow I begin a 48 hour fast. Yippie.

3 month Long Roller Coaster Ride (and not the good kind)

In the past 3 months a lot has happened. It was a roller coaster ride that I never want to get on ever again for as long as I live until death and beyond. I typically like roller coaster rides they are like having sex with crazy people. You go up and everything is seemly normal, then weeeeeeeeeeeee you head down screaming in ecstasy (or if you are me screaming in ecstasy while you are on ecstasy).

I got lost in a vision of having sex with a crazy person- now where was I? Oh yes. So... 3 months ago, I learned that the grant that funds my program was on the chopping block (now officially chopped). We lost 2.2 million and I am the only person from that program that can still say she is employed. There is no more program.

I cried.

My favorite playmate moved away.
All of my co-workers lost their jobs.
And (at that time) I could not find any weed.

To make matters worse- I threw myself back into the comforting arms of NB aka RB aka JeffI who I just ended up using and hurting.

And the cowboy really enjoyed being a whipping boy. Sadly, I figured out that I did not like whipping him at all. In fact, I never want to whip a man again for the rest of my life until death and beyond. It just really isn't for me- kind of I can take a whipping but I can't dish it out at all. I was actually disgusted and completely turned off at the request for whippings. The cowboy and I are still friends, he still tries to get me drunk so I can get naked with him- but it is unlikely that it will happen again. I am happy for him though as he got to fly his freak flag a little bit.

Needless to say, it was a pretty fucked up 3 months. For those 3 months, I did not know if I would have a job.I was majorly stressed and took up drinking lots and lots of beer. I think I gained 10 pounds and I blame beer!!

Things are much better now though.
My old playmate and I have reconnected a little bit and we had the opportunity to spend some time together.
I still have a job, same work, different title, more travel, less pay- 8% less- but in this economy I will take it. It is contract work, same as before so in 15 months I may be almost jobless again. But a lot can happen in 15 months.


I am off to clean up tornado debris for a few weeks. I am sure I will have lots of stories to tell after that.

Xoxo

3 months no post

So much has happened in the past 3 months. Way too much for me to blog about in the next 2 minutes. Update coming soon.

Next post will talk about the men in my life, my visits to the dentists, work, summer, and tornadoes.

But until then.

'eyes wide open'

:)

Celibacy, beer, and tarot card readings, oh my.

On Celibacy:
A beautiful day, a fantastic lunch, great conversation about MMOs, kilt, kinky, and a thick southern drawl broke my vow of celibacy.

As if I cared, anyways.

I did a little purging of my personal life (read: no more NB) and played low key on the flirting for a few days. 11 days later I decided to jump back into the sack with a cowboy. Cowboy is super sweet and super high energy and fucking him was like fucking someone who was on coke. Anyways... Cowboy is the ultimate vanilla lover- very willing to please, very shy, not adventurous, but very eager. There may have been a belt laying on the floor that I may have picked up and slapped his ass with and when I asked him if he would like for me to whip him, he responded with  'I don't know'. 'I DON'T KNOW' MEANS YES!
After rolling around in the hay for a while, we got into a deep discussion about sex. Cowboy disclosed that his experiences have not been kinky or adventurous and I told him that I could change that for him, if he was willing. He is willing. I will be his coach.

I have had great lovers in my life and have been fortunate enough to have a kinky coach myself. So, I will play the kinky forward. Teach this cowboy a few kinky tricks or two and he can then pass this on to other lovers he will have and so on and so forth. See what I just did there? I am always trying to help someone *smile*


On Beer: 
What has gotten into me since St. Pat's day: BEER!!! Not only do I enjoy Guinness, I now enjoy Modelo - thanks to Cowboy for introducing this to me.

On Tarot card reading: 

When I was 20, I stopped by a local fortune teller shop and on a whim paid for a tarot reading for myself and my roommate. It was all on a whim. I thought the lady was complete bullshit- she told me all the things that a 20 year old did not want to hear- about, a failed marriage, failure at romance, moving states, relationships in general, depression, excess substance use... Bullshit, right? All of what I remember her telling me has come true. There are details of my personal life that I do not share on any platform, these are details that I always keep to myself until I feel trust with that person I am disclosing to. But trust me, the bitch was spot on. 

This weekend, on a whim again, at the Forth Worth Main Street Arts Festival, a palm reading sign caught my eye. I thought to myself, why the F not. At this point in my life, I do not have many unanswered life questions and for the most part, I do not have many problems. I am happy with who I am and where I am in my life. So, needless to say I had no questions for Psychic Contessa (name on her card by the way). Contessa asked me if I prefer to have my tarot cards read instead of my palm and I agreed. She asked me if I had any questions for her and I responded 'just tell me what you see'.

This is what she told me about the present:

• People are two faced to me, happy to my face but jealous of me behind my back. 
• There are some people who wish I was not happy.
• I am a happy and giving person that thinks of others before myself.
• I am stable in my life but wish for more wealth.
• I cannot keep a relationship for very long and may also self sabotage the relationships.
• I meet people and connect with them easily- but often lose touch.
• I loved someone very deeply and think of him every night.

Pretty generic enough. I mean these facts could basically fit anyone. 

This is what she told me about the future:

• I will own my own business in 4 years.
• I will meet a man in the next 3 months who will make me rethink my stance on relationships.
• I will be traveling in the next 2 months for more than 2 weeks but less than a month and this trip will make me extremely happy.
• In the next 6 months there will be a huge change with your job and your location.
• Money will be coming my way from now until 6 months from now, a substantial amount.
• I will remain healthy. 
• I will remarry.

So. Meh, lets see if any of these things happen to me. AND IF THEY DO I AM GOING BACK TO HER FOR LOTTO NUMBERS! 

De cluttering my personal life and washing the baseboards of my mind or I am playing a lot of Rift

SPRING CLEANING IS SO MUCH FUN I DECIDED TO CLEAN OUT THE CLOSETS OF MY MIND!

Yes, I had to use all caps for that.

Oh spring!

Grass growing green, weeds too.

Birds singing,

Everything seems new.

Again.

But it is the same old shit- just different year.

Ha!

I am on Celibacy day 9. Honestly, I don't remember why I am tracking my celibacy; I just am. However, I have had a little bit of clarity as the past 9 days I have abstained from any physical contact or 'too' flirty conversations and/or emails/texts/subliminal messages with anyone-  my mind is free of romance clutter.

Aside,of course, for the lovely text messages I have been exchanging with a young chap (Yes I said chap and yes he is old enough to buy beer) about a fantasy date trip to the moon or other flirty, dorky, cutsey stuff that may involve masterbation, hands, and Pokemon balls.

I have not tweeted much lately about my non-relationship with NB. I was never going to be his girlfriend. I never wanted a relationship. I told him many times that I was not ready for a relationship, I was still damaged, I just wanted things to be casual. Truth is, or so I think, that I just did not want to have a relationship with him. So with heavy heart, I told him what I thought and we have ended our friendship, completely. I really strive to be a honest and open person- I feel compelled to tell the truth and sadly, I do not have the social skills to sugar coat what needs to be said. But, my darling NB, Jeff, was in love with me and the closest I could get to loving him was loving the way I felt when he did things for me.

Last fall, my heart was broken, shattered really- but I think it unfair to myself and to others that I continue to use that excuse as a crutch. I met a man who I thought was my soul mate- everything about him made me want to be a better 'me'. But, the stars did not align for us, there were no parting of the clouds, and angels did not drop from your heaven and wish us well. Shit just sometimes doesn't work out.

So I threw myself into a non-relationship with a man who was lacking two important characteristics that I would need in a partner. He lacked self confidence that matched my own- I really need someone in my life more alpha than I. And we did not have that 'wild animal fucking' chemistry that I crave. (more on my checklist here:Old blog post)

And I was very clear in the onset of this non-relationship that I was not looking for a relationship, AT ALL. I just wanted to enjoy his company. At the time, he thought it an awesome idea. Fast Forward a few months and he may have changed his mind and created expectations of me and our non-relationship that I was not aware of.

There were key indicators of his dissatisfaction with this arrangement- there was the late night text messages inquiring of my whereabouts, there were snarky conversations about what or who I was doing when we were not together- but when we were together he was happy.

He told me a few weeks ago that it felt like I was his girlfriend when we were together- he discussed with me all the 'couply' things that we did together, like how we would take naps, just naps together in the middle of the day or go to Costco and buy soy milk- but he also told me that he thought I was doing the same thing with someone else.

I was not.
But, I was not about to argue my position in this 'non-relationship'.
I may have acted the part of his girlfriend when he needed me to, subconsciously. I also, in retrospect, think he viewed our 'non-relationship' a lot differently than I did. To me, he was a good friend that I could share everything with and sometimes do this while we were naked. To him, I was a broken hearted girl that only needed time to heal to realize that he was the one for me.

I never asked for exclusivity.
I may have inadvertently gave him false hope by just being who I am.

So with that said, I will try my hardest not to 'throw that p' (Reference to what that means in video below) to any unsuspecting new victims, I will try to keep my hands to myself and level any 'girlfriend' expectation that may arise.

So I take this celibacy thing of mine as a emotional and physical cleansing of sorts. There is not a goal of how many days I want to remain celibate- there is no 'end game' to my celibacy- I have gotten what I needed from going a whole 9 days without sex.

A little bit of de cluttering. 

If you are fucked up in the head, chances are- we are gonna hook up!

I think secretly (not so secretly, anymore) I love crazy people.

It seems if someone is emotionally unstable, I will seek them out and date them! Especially if it is the type of person who says they are cool with the whole casual relationship thing, but they really want a relationship and think that they can change your mind- yeah I think I can sniff you out of a crowd of five million and give you and only you my phone number.

I canceled my date with cowboy for the third time in two weeks. I may have wanted to see the kilt and cowboy boots more than actually spend time to get to know the guy. And maybe I wanted him to keep calling me 'Dahlin' in that thick ass southern accent, maybe, just maybe.

Ok lets recap the men in my life, shall we.

There is NB- our drama is on a whole other level of crazy.

There was Mucha Lucha who is very bi-polar and gone.

And We have Cowboy.

Cowboy is has emo/bi polar tendencies and has ex hang ups. I got them too, I am not being judgy- I am still heart broken over the Canadian who used to tweet as @LycanMercutio- but, I digress.

This is why I canceled the date with Cowboy, again.

So he was dogging his ex a little bit and that wasn't a big deal to me but what was a big deal to me was the random BUT SOMETIMES YOU GET ATTACHED bullshit. This is red flag for me. I quickly used my Rift excuse to get out of that convo. Cowboy is super sweet guy but again I think I have found someone who is looking for that girlfriend- and I am not her. I did tell him I do not, under any circumstances, want a relationship.

In other news:

My stranger danger friend from the wrong number plays picture caption with me. I bet he is a psycho too- but  it doesn't matter as he is thousands of miles away from me.

He looks a lot psycho, right? Figures.